Dearest Loved Ones

You’ll never have the community you aspire to have. Here’s why…💋

You’re not safe enough with yourself to be accountable when it’s time to make repairs.

Everybody loves community until someone tells them they’re wrong.

The minute you’re challenged, corrected, disappointed, inconvenienced, or held accountable, all of a sudden, the community is “toxic,” “negative,” or “not aligned.”

No, loved one. You just don’t know a bitch ass thing about how boundaries work and why they have to be put in place.

Community requires friction. It requires correction. It requires honesty. But none of those things are possible without safety.

MOST of y’all don’t have trust or safety with yourselves.

You don’t trust yourselves enough to be wrong, imperfect, challenged, or stretched. So the moment someone else attempts it, you experience it as an attack. If you can’t survive accountability from yourself, you’re definitely not getting it from friends, associates, or strangers.

You Keep Putting People on Punishment

This one is funny because y’all really think y’all are slick. It’s not slick. It’s sad.

If someone disappoints you, IN ANY WAY, instead of addressing it directly, you retreat into your favorite lil slick as get- back remedy, silent resentment. You become cold, withdrawn, and you start keeping score.

NEWSFLASH PRECIOUS: If you don’t have safety and trust enough with yourself to communicate instead of putting folks on punishment, you’re the loser of whatever invisible game you’re playing.

You feel like a loser too that’s why you go inward, ruminate, and speak isolating language over yourself about how people just don’t understand you, people can’t meet you where you are because your standards are so high( A POPULAR LIE YOU TELL YOURSELF) and how you’re 1 of 1 so you just need to be a loner.

Lord help your pathetic ass.

Meanwhile, the other person has no idea they’ve been sentenced.

Loved one, people have to actually give a fuck about you for your punishments to work. And if you’ve never offered vulnerability, warmth, honesty, or authentic connection, they usually don’t.

So while everyone else is out passing plates, laughing, and building relationships, you’re at home making passive-aggressive social media posts about how you’re a loner because people are bullies.

Okay, Girl.

You Say You Want Connection, But You Refuse To Be Known

You hide behind being funny, clever, useful, or mysterious. You share opinions, hot takes, observations, and everybody else’s business. But you never share yourself.

Then you complain that relationships are shallow.

People cannot connect to a character, a persona or an identity you stole from somebody else. They connect to people.

And if nobody knows you, then nobody can truly connect with you.

Which is crazy to me because y’all be the main ones crying about all your experiences being shallow.

Is the call coming from the INTERIOR of the home, precious!??

You Mistake Proximity for Intimacy

This is where most folks mess up.

Being in the same room isn’t community.

Being in the same group isn’t community.

Hell, being the same family isn’t community

And Following the same creator definitely isn’t community. 👀

Community is built through trust.

Trust is built through consistency.

Consistency is built through behavior.

A lot of y’all have proximity.

Very few of you have intimacy.

And just like trust, if you don’t have intimacy with yourself, you won’t know how to develop it with a crowd or even individual people within the group.

You might experience the illusion of intimacy.

But illusions don’t survive real life.

You’re Using Community To Avoid Yourself

This is the roughest one.

Most of y’all don’t actually want community.

You want distraction.

People are distractions.

Events are distractions.

Group chats are distractions.

Books, projects, initiatives, and scrolling social media from dusk til dawn are all distractions.

You need constant stimulation because silence forces you to meet yourself.

You immerse yourself in everybody else’s life because your own inner world feels too sad and pathetic for you to sit with.

You profess to care but the care is an illusion. A distraction. You aren’t engaging because you’re invested. You’re engaging because you’re avoiding. That’s why community never works FOR YOU. It can’t heal what you’re committed to hiding from yourself.

If you gaslight yourself, you eventually gaslight everyone around you. You have to. The same lies you tell yourself become the lies you tell everybody else.

The part you don’t realize is, people can tell. The things you’re hiding from yourself are, more often than not, VERY visible to everyone else.

Sooner or later, every community will force you to meet the person you’ve been avoiding. And if you don’t want to me her, WE DON’T WANT TO MEET HER ASS EITHER!!

And that’s usually when yall start to find solace in making your passive-aggressive social media posts.

That’s usually when the slow retreat begins.

That’s usually when you start looking for a new community to repeat the cycle in.

In Closing

The community you desire will always be limited by the person YOU bring into it.

If you are avoidant, the community will become avoidant.

If you are dishonest, the community will have to become dishonest.

If you are incapable of repair, the community will eventually outgrow you.

Some of y’all keep searching for better people when the real problem is that you’re not yet equipped for the people you’re waiting around for.